july j. billie

I don't even know where to start, daddy. I think I should start by saying that I forgive you. I forgive you for giving in at times, for falling, for not being there. I forgive you for the misunderstandings and the missed opportunities and for the mistakes we've both made. you were always someone I looked up to in some way or another. I would eat up every single thing you told me, all the facts and stories and fighting techniques. I treasured every moment I had with you because from an early age I knew they were limited. I knew it when you moved out, when my sisters and I would stay at your apartment and eat jiffy popcorn, when you weren't there on my birthday. I was so mad at you, daddy, and for a long time I was confused and didn't understand. but now I do, and I regret the time I lost getting to know you. I realized that it takes two people to form a friendship, and I wish I had started to hold up my end sooner. but that doesn't matter because in the last two years we did everything we could to be in each other's lives. sure, we still fought, and things hurt and I was so mad at you and destroyed by the things you did to yourself, but I fucking loved those two years. you came to my graduation, which means so much to me I can't describe. you visited me at columbia. you told me how smart you thought I was, and I made me so fucking happy. you were so smart, daddy. I'm so grateful you supported me in those times, and I'm so grateful I was able to make you proud. I want you to know that I got my strength, my intelligence, my determination, my patience, my tolerance from you. even when you didn't think you were teaching me, I was learning. you may have had your qualms about fatherhood, but I have to tell you that your three daughters are amazing. not only in their communities, but they are good people. and they are smart and grounded and tough. that's because of you, daddy. I love you so much, and I've been missing you. I missed you every time you went away, and I'm missing you now. I'll miss you forever, and I'll love you forever. I wouldn't have it any other way, no other daddy, nothing changed. I wish you could have helped yourself, but I forgive you. always know that. and there were a million things I wish I could have told you, but never had the chance to. I'll find a way to let you know. I love you, I love you, I love you. nothing I ever write will show just how much I love you, make me satisfied, but it's the least I could do for you. big kisses on the cheek, big hugs. rest in peace, daddy. things will only get better from here.